The Squid Launcher

Amelia's clever notes

That nasty green monster

on May 29, 2013

This post is going to be a little personal, maybe even a little embarrassing…but I’ve always liked to get my thoughts down. Everyone has faults and we all have something we need to work on.envy

I’ve often struggled with jealousy. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve had a hard time trying not to compare myself to others. Everything was always a contest. I wanted to color my hair blonde when I was in 4th grade because the most popular girls in my class were blondes. I wanted to get my ears pierced because they had that too. Everything they had I wanted.

Eventually things got better. In high school I found out more of who I was as a person, and I was content with my personality and looks. Even though I’ve been out of high school for a while now, it seems to have changed a lot, even from my time there. A lot of times teens don’t feel they’re good enough or they struggle to fit in with the crowd. In college I felt that way at times, but I realized I wasn’t missing out on anything. There are so many bad things that a person can get into out there. It’s a little scary.

I’ve so enjoyed living with my family during college. It hasn’t been a garden of roses all the time, but it certainly hasn’t been bad. I don’t have to pay to live at home, I eat great food, use a nice bathroom, and sleep in my own bed. I’ve got it made. There are times I wish I was on my own, but I never gave it too much thought until recently. Lately it feels like all my friends, or friends of my friends, or people I know are moving out and starting their own lives. And I’m honestly a little jealous of that. Everyone tells me I’ll have time to experience life on my own in Puerto Rico, and that’s true for sure. I will be on my own, especially at first. That thought makes me really nervous, but I don’t feel I have to worry about it quite yet. It still feels far away to me.

So why would I be jealous if I’m going on a great trip in a couple months? Well, I’m not sure. I know I’m going to have my chance to experience all of that soon. I can’t understand why I feel anxious. It’s also hard seeing many of my friends or other people I know get engaged and married. It feels strange when I hear about new couples becoming engaged or married, moving on with their lives away from their family.

Just the other day my family was away at a graduation party in Michigan for one of my cousins, but I had to stay behind because I had to work. While they were gone, I missed everyone so much, especially my mom. When I saw her the next day, I couldn’t wait to hug her and spend time with her. I feel like my emotions are always in a different place. Sometimes I can’t wait to get home and see everyone, and some days I long for my own life with independence…and maybe that would include a husband and a kitty or puppy.

When I feel this way, it’s hard to focus on anything except how sad and young I feel. I try to remember how much God loves me and how He knows and understands all the desires of my heart. He knows exactly what I want and how I feel. I think about the lyrics to Francesca Battistelli’s song Strangely Dim…”I’ve had all these plans piled up sky high, a thousand dreams on hold and I don’t know why, I got a front row seat to the longest wait and I just can’t see past the things I pray today…but when I fix my eyes on all that You are then every doubt I fear deep in my heart grows strangely dim, all my worries fade and fall to the ground cause when I seek Your face and don’t look around any place I’m in grows strangely dim…”

I sing those words to myself when I feel sad, lonely, or young. Because no matter what I’m going through, no matter what place I’m in, God’s there with me. If I fix my eyes on Him, He’ll certainly show me the way.

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